Defining Friendships

The dictionary has several definitions for the word “friend.”

1) A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard

2) A person who gives assistance

3) A person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile

4) A member of the same nation, party, etc.

For the purposes of this post, I will not be talking about the fourth definition. But the first three definitions are interesting to me. The way the first definition is written makes me think about the possibility of unrequited friendships. The second definition surprised me, because looking solely at the definition I would have guessed that the word would have been something equivalent to helper. And the third definition to me is simply an acquaintance.

In the past, I used to think that being friends meant that two parties were mutually on the same page of expectations, trust and dependability. And I think I was looser about who I called my friend my freshman year. Essentially, everyone I got along with was a friend which aligns with definition 3.

I think I romanticized friendship in my head without much thought. I wanted a combination of the first and second definition in a healthy, mutual, beneficial relationship. But like I mentioned in my previous post, I struggled with delivering definition two to others. As a result, I felt like I was giving so much to my friends around me which instinctually made me expect to receive the same kind of care in return.

Today my advice to my younger self are twofold:

1) Don’t have expectations for others.

If you really think about it, there’s no way you can hold them accountable, so most likely than not you’ll be disappointed. Of course, if amongst yourselves you have verbally agreed to certain expectations that would be an exception. However, in general I think the only person you can have expectations for is yourself. I know I can’t even meet my own expectations, so it doesn’t make sense to hold others to my personal expectations (in my case unvocalized expectations). Have grace for yourself when you fall short and have grace for others in the same way.

There are quotes out there that say “expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed.” But that’s not the angle I’m trying to speak from. Expectations can be a really good thing. How else would we hold people accountable at the workplace, to tell the truth in court, etc. When I say don’t have expectations, I mean don’t project your personal desires on everyone and expect them to meet that because you’re not perfect and neither are they.

2) Friendships aren’t perfect and won’t be 100% reciprocal. And that’s okay.

Your friendship with Michael will be different from your friendship with Alex. This is basic, but also consider that Michael’s friendship to you can be different from your friendship for him. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, it’s not realistic to depend on any one person for all your needs. Don’t cheapen your friendships because they aren’t as “well-rounded” as you want them to be.

I hope my posts don’t all sound like they're coming from a pessimistic lens. It’s really just tough love to myself as I remind myself things that I still need to hear four years later. I just think I’ve learned the most through disappointment, obstacles and hardship which is why I am spending some time reflecting on those times. It was then that I feel like I was forced to grow whether I liked it or not.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” -Donald Miller