Coming into college I never really spent time thinking about boundaries. I know myself and what I want or don’t like, so I know my boundaries, right? For me, it wasn’t that simple.
There’s something about college, especially in the beginning, that makes you want to do and be a part of everything. My graduating class had 38 students, so the transition to UNC was quite a jump. The weirdest part for me was that I saw my friends nearly 24/7. We had some classes together, studied together, ate together, hung out together, went to the same church, and lived together. Freshman fall semester is probably still one of my favorite semesters of college because of my attitude towards it all. I really loved college and was so open to everything. But as spring semester rolled around, I began to feel the burnout. I just wish I had known how to say no.
For people who are familiar with personality quizzes my Myers-Briggs personality type is ISFJ and my enneagram is type 2. I just recently took the enneagram and I had an identity crises when I read the descriptions because I didn't really resonate with any type. But type 2 is called the helper and is described as generous, demonstrative, people-pleasing, and possessive. I see some of myself in a 2, but my favorite is still the Myers-Briggs 16 personalities quiz. ISFJs are called the defender and the quote associated with it is, "Love only grows by sharing. You can only have more for yourself by giving it away to others." I bring this up to talk about my struggle of being introverted while also wanting to make people happy.
A common misconception about introverts is that we’re all quiet and not as social as extroverts. But the real distinction between the two is where they get their energy from. Introverts get drained from too much time with lots of people while extroverts get recharged. I think there's definitely a spectrum of personalities and even though I am very introverted I have qualities that would fit in with extroverts like being loud around those I'm comfortable with and loving spending time with others. So, I found myself surrounded by people constantly and formed a sense of worth around being the peace maker and confidant for my friends. But I struggled with finding my alone time to recharge and I had a difficult time saying no to meeting, fulfilling favors, and mediating between people.
I didn't know my limits till I became so exhausted that I didn't want to talk to anyone. My relationships with people have been one of the most rewarding and simultaneously draining aspects in my life. I distinctly remember one week that I met a friend everyday for 2+ hours talking about what they were struggling with at the time which left me scrambling to finish my school work and no time to reflect on how I was doing. That week may have been a coincidence that I met so many people daily, but it still felt representative of me not knowing my boundaries and balancing a time for everything.
Even for my extroverts out there, please still don’t overdo yourself. Everyone has limits, so being aware of yours will help you in the long run. I have seen very extroverted people at the start of college become gradually more introverted throughout the years. Because they receive energy by being with people, I have seen some extroverts try and be there for everyone. I do think that there are phases we all go through that can make us become either more introverted or extroverted. However, for many of these people I think it wasn’t their natural tendency that was changing but rather them getting burned by others.
I'm not sure how relevant this topic will be for everyone and you may not have struggled with this so much in college. But I know that understanding your boundaries will be useful later and can help you stand up for yourself when your colleague keeps asking for favors, when friends ask you to cover up for their lies or when everyone tries to guilt trip you to donate to a million different causes.
In regards to trying to be everywhere at once, this is what I wish I heard. You don’t need to be anyone’s superhero. Help them however you can, but know when your tank is nearly empty. In certain critical situations, I don’t think I would ever say no. But in the day to day life of gossip, drama and complaining, it’s ok to say you can’t meet sometimes. A friend is all that people need. And being a friend doesn’t equate to being their yes man. Friendship should come with challenges and growth and saying no out of love can benefit you both.
"You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no." -Unknown